you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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