this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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