he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
