Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Gay?
German.
Pity.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
