Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
