tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
