mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
