I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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