I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
