I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
