someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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