Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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