I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
