Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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