I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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