hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
