Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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