I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
