my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
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