so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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