1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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