I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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