Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
