My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
