i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I want her autograph on my taint
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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