you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...