I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I pour the whiskey from now on