I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
