i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.