god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.