turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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