Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
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I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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