I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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