I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
