I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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