i barfeds in our rink
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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