my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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