I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
