you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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