If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
