Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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