All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
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Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
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also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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