New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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