Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
