I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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