she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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