I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize