I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
