it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
