Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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