i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
