Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
