its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
