Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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