I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
