omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
