I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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