you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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