If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
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I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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