So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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